Last year at a tradeshow, I met a woman who did an intuitive reading for me. She said, "You have issues with criticism." It's true. I did. Still do a bit. I told her how whenever anyone criticized me it felt a little like someone was stabbing me in the heart.
She then asked me a question that has stuck with me to this day. "What hurts more - when someone else criticizes you or when you criticize yourself?" In other words, what hurts more - when others take a stab at you or when you deliberately stab yourself in the heart? I knew in an instant that it was my own self-criticism that was doing all the damage, and have come to realize that emotional pain is most certainly a self-inflicted wound.
When I look back on my life, I realize I have been very hard on myself. I have expected things of myself that I do not expect from other people. I have held myself in contempt for basic human mistakes. How often have I said to myself, "Why did you say that, you idiot?" or "Why did you do that?" or "Why didn't you do that?" And then there's always the classic: "You should(n't) have done that?" In any case, these questions were said in the most accusatory and judgmental manner - each question with it's own sharp little dagger. Why did I punish myself in this way?
Why does any one of us punish ourselves in these ways?
Through meditation and asking my inner guidance for an answer to this question, I have come to realize that in order to truly feel peace and contentment, I must really like myself and other people (even the mean ones). In times of criticism, this 'like' factor is absent. It makes sense. When I really like a person, I am less inclined to be critical of them. When a friend whom I really like makes a mistake, I naturally do what friends do. I see so many likeable qualities in this person, that this little blunder is just a hiccup and easily forgiven. I cut them some slack because they deserve it.
So then I asked, "What about when it comes to yourself? How often are you a friend to yourself?" Yikes, never thought of myself being my friend before. I certainly wasn't in the habit of cutting myself slack. The voice I most often heard in my head was one that kept me on my toes and made sure I didn't do anything wrong - more like a drill sergeant than a friend. So using my imagination, I have changed that voice to a friendly voice so that in times when I am feeling inadequate, unworthy, undeserving, stupid, stressed, incompetent, shameful, guilty or whatever...(you get my drift), I dismiss the drill sargeant and bring in my friend who says, "Doesn't matter. I like you anyways. I always will really like you. So stop trying to prove me wrong - you likeable person you." Then I imagine her giving me a friendly shove on the shoulder, as friends do. The important part is to understand it's all my own doing. So instead of self-inflicting myself with pain, I now do it with love and humor.
"But wait!" I am compelled to ask, "What about those people hurting my feelings? What do I do about them?"
My inner guidance is quick to respond. "Like them too. Cut them some slack. When others are being mean, they just need to be liked and you will feel better. They may not feel better, but it's not your job to make them feel better. That's their job. Your job is to make sure you feel at peace and joy. Liking someone is a form of compassion that will always bring forth those feelings for you. You just have to be willing to give it. You just have to be willing to like yourself that much."
February 16, 2011
December 2, 2010
Unconditional Christmas Love
Christmas is upon us – the season of giving and unconditional love. This made me ask the question, “Why do we have a season for this? Does this mean Spring, Summer, and Autumn are the seasons for taking and conditional love?” I realized that my answer may not be too far off the mark.
What is unconditional love? It sounds wonderful, but how often do we experience it? In essence, I suppose unconditional love is to send love to someone or something without expecting anything in return. This also, I suppose, would define unconditional giving.
I wondered how much of my love was conditional? Quite a lot, once I began to think about it. I love my husband as long as he treats me with respect, doesn’t sleep with others, bathes, etc. Is this really love? It is – it’s just conditional. I love my Dyson vacuum cleaner as long as it works. Again, conditions. No wonder we worry so much about losing love. We know that the conditions we place on it are not in our control and can change in a second.
As I always say, you will receive an answer for every question you ask, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received an answer to my “What is unconditional love?” question. It went something like this:
"Imagine you find a baby bird that’s cold, hungry, and obviously abandoned. It’s too young to fly. Would you attempt to feed it? Give it warmth? Give it love?"
“Yes”, I answered.
"Would you expect that bird to give you something back in return, or would you still love that bird if it became confident and healthy enough to fly away on its own without even giving you a second glance?" I understood that I would still love that bird and still choose to give it love because it needed love, and I would expect nothing in return.
My answer continued: "This is no different with people. All people need love. The nice and especially the nasty need love. So if you wish to love unconditionally, the question you must ask yourself when your husband annoys you, or when a person on the street behaves in a way you find offensive, or when a co-worker says a nasty word to you is “Is your heart big enough to love this person because they need love, even if they won’t love you back?” And when you say yes, in so doing, you give love not only to the person who needs it, but also to yourself, which is why giving unconditionally feels so very good."
And I realized that if we, with our big hearts, were to allow ourselves to love others because they needed love, even if they won’t love us back, instead of judging them for their behavior, then the world would be filled with more loving, kinder, happier people. And there wouldn’t be any need for taking, because we would be giving to ourselves all the while, filled the joy of unconditional love. To give is to receive. I also realized that by withholding love from others, we, in turn, withhold it from ourselves. And there is no joy in that. Again, to give is to receive.
This Christmas may you be filled with the joy of giving and unconditional love. It is a priceless gift that can never be broken, defective, stolen, lost, or even run out of batteries. But beware, the moment you give unconditionally, you may find that your heart grows 3 sizes that day.
I send my love and the happiest Christmas blessings to you all… even if you don’t like this article. :)
And that’s my perspective…
What is unconditional love? It sounds wonderful, but how often do we experience it? In essence, I suppose unconditional love is to send love to someone or something without expecting anything in return. This also, I suppose, would define unconditional giving.
I wondered how much of my love was conditional? Quite a lot, once I began to think about it. I love my husband as long as he treats me with respect, doesn’t sleep with others, bathes, etc. Is this really love? It is – it’s just conditional. I love my Dyson vacuum cleaner as long as it works. Again, conditions. No wonder we worry so much about losing love. We know that the conditions we place on it are not in our control and can change in a second.
As I always say, you will receive an answer for every question you ask, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received an answer to my “What is unconditional love?” question. It went something like this:
"Imagine you find a baby bird that’s cold, hungry, and obviously abandoned. It’s too young to fly. Would you attempt to feed it? Give it warmth? Give it love?"
“Yes”, I answered.
"Would you expect that bird to give you something back in return, or would you still love that bird if it became confident and healthy enough to fly away on its own without even giving you a second glance?" I understood that I would still love that bird and still choose to give it love because it needed love, and I would expect nothing in return.
My answer continued: "This is no different with people. All people need love. The nice and especially the nasty need love. So if you wish to love unconditionally, the question you must ask yourself when your husband annoys you, or when a person on the street behaves in a way you find offensive, or when a co-worker says a nasty word to you is “Is your heart big enough to love this person because they need love, even if they won’t love you back?” And when you say yes, in so doing, you give love not only to the person who needs it, but also to yourself, which is why giving unconditionally feels so very good."
And I realized that if we, with our big hearts, were to allow ourselves to love others because they needed love, even if they won’t love us back, instead of judging them for their behavior, then the world would be filled with more loving, kinder, happier people. And there wouldn’t be any need for taking, because we would be giving to ourselves all the while, filled the joy of unconditional love. To give is to receive. I also realized that by withholding love from others, we, in turn, withhold it from ourselves. And there is no joy in that. Again, to give is to receive.
This Christmas may you be filled with the joy of giving and unconditional love. It is a priceless gift that can never be broken, defective, stolen, lost, or even run out of batteries. But beware, the moment you give unconditionally, you may find that your heart grows 3 sizes that day.
I send my love and the happiest Christmas blessings to you all… even if you don’t like this article. :)
And that’s my perspective…
July 5, 2010
The Power of Focus
Focus, or more specifically, what we put our focus on, is the most important component of creating what we want. The problem is most people do not focus upon what their focus is, and then are surprised when something unwanted shows up. If they had only focused upon where they were focusing, they surely would have seen that indeed they were focusing on the very thing they did not want. Confused?
Simply put, your reality, as you experience it, is created by your focus. You will see what you put focus upon. Ever wonder why two people can be in the same place at the same time having the same experience, and one of those people will think the experience was wonderful and the other one think it was dreadful? Because one is focusing on the good in the situation and the other is focusing on just the opposite.
For me, the concept of the power of focus and how it shapes our reality was hit home way back in 2000. I had just purchased my first brand new car – a beautiful cherry red Mazda 626. I was so excited about it. I never really paid much attention to Mazda vehicles before, but when I test drove this car, I fell in love. I also liked the idea that I hadn’t seen too many on the road, thus making my vehicle somewhat unique – I liked that very much.
Guess what happened next. I took my unique Mazda 626 out on the road and began to see them everywhere. At every intersection there seemed to be another driver enjoying the pleasure of a 626. Where did they all come from? Did the Mazda dealership all of a sudden sell hundreds of this make and model at the same time I bought mine? No. We all know the truth. They were there all time. I just wasn’t focused on them, so I never noticed.
Here is another example. After I did my first presentation at an international conference, I received, via email, the evaluations that people wrote about my session. The conference organizers gave you verbatim what people wrote on their evaluation forms. There were 39 evaluations filled out. 38 of the comments were glowing – absolutely incredible. And there was one comment that said and I quote, “I didn’t much appreciate being preached at. She did seem passionate about her subject though.”
At first, I was quite upset by this comment. I felt horrible someone mistook my enthusiasm as preaching. I began to justify in my mind why this person was wrong and, of course, a complete idiot. And then I stopped myself, and realized I was putting all my focus on one negative comment, when 38 others were just absolutely thrilled with my presentation. I shifted my focus and immediately shifted my reality. I went from feeling angry and upset to thankful and joyful in a matter of seconds. That’s the power of focus.
Where are you putting your focus? Is it on what you want? Do you foresee a happy ending? Or are you sure to expect something to go wrong? Are you certain that all will work itself out? Or are you most often worried it won’t come together? Pay attention. You may be surprised to find that a string of happy moments are just sitting at every intersection waiting to be noticed.
And that’s my perspective…
Simply put, your reality, as you experience it, is created by your focus. You will see what you put focus upon. Ever wonder why two people can be in the same place at the same time having the same experience, and one of those people will think the experience was wonderful and the other one think it was dreadful? Because one is focusing on the good in the situation and the other is focusing on just the opposite.
For me, the concept of the power of focus and how it shapes our reality was hit home way back in 2000. I had just purchased my first brand new car – a beautiful cherry red Mazda 626. I was so excited about it. I never really paid much attention to Mazda vehicles before, but when I test drove this car, I fell in love. I also liked the idea that I hadn’t seen too many on the road, thus making my vehicle somewhat unique – I liked that very much.
Guess what happened next. I took my unique Mazda 626 out on the road and began to see them everywhere. At every intersection there seemed to be another driver enjoying the pleasure of a 626. Where did they all come from? Did the Mazda dealership all of a sudden sell hundreds of this make and model at the same time I bought mine? No. We all know the truth. They were there all time. I just wasn’t focused on them, so I never noticed.
Here is another example. After I did my first presentation at an international conference, I received, via email, the evaluations that people wrote about my session. The conference organizers gave you verbatim what people wrote on their evaluation forms. There were 39 evaluations filled out. 38 of the comments were glowing – absolutely incredible. And there was one comment that said and I quote, “I didn’t much appreciate being preached at. She did seem passionate about her subject though.”
At first, I was quite upset by this comment. I felt horrible someone mistook my enthusiasm as preaching. I began to justify in my mind why this person was wrong and, of course, a complete idiot. And then I stopped myself, and realized I was putting all my focus on one negative comment, when 38 others were just absolutely thrilled with my presentation. I shifted my focus and immediately shifted my reality. I went from feeling angry and upset to thankful and joyful in a matter of seconds. That’s the power of focus.
Where are you putting your focus? Is it on what you want? Do you foresee a happy ending? Or are you sure to expect something to go wrong? Are you certain that all will work itself out? Or are you most often worried it won’t come together? Pay attention. You may be surprised to find that a string of happy moments are just sitting at every intersection waiting to be noticed.
And that’s my perspective…
March 17, 2010
Guilt - A Life Sentence
I see so many people in my life wrought with guilt - guilt over not doing the right thing, guilt for not saying the right thing, guilt for not being the right thing. Who's to say what's the right thing anyway?
The truth is most people do not understand what guilt really is. First of all, let us discuss what guilt is not. Guilt is not an emotion. Emotions have an important role in our lives - they tell us what kind of thoughts we have been thinking and where we are putting our focus. When we feel happy, content, passionate, joyful, thankful, etc. we then know that our thoughts are primarily positive and that we are focused on things that we want. This in turn brings us the positive emotions. When we feel bored, angry, doubtful, depressed, jealous, etc, we then know that we are focusing on the negative and need to switch our focus and our thoughts to more positive ones. In this way, our emotions provide us a vital service in quickly telling us what the bulk of our thoughts are about. Guilt does not do this.
Guilt is not an emotion; it is a belief. All of us were born with the capacity to feel emotions. We were not born with the capacity to feel guilt. Guilt is something that must be learned. It is something that must be taught. We learned to feel guilty when we did not want to share. We learned to feel guilty when we wanted to spend time alone instead of with our family. We learned to feel guilty when we were taught it was wrong to have sex before marriage but did anyway. I could go on and on. Babies never feel guilty for crying to get their needs met. Toddlers do not feel guilty about not wanting to hug and kiss Aunt Bertha good-bye. That is until they are taught it is wrong to feel that way. And that then brings me to the definition of what guilt really is.
Guilt is a punishment we apply to ourselves when we believe that what we are feeling is inappropriate. What we haven't learned as individuals (or perhaps the better way to say it is "What we have forgotten from childhood") is that what we are feeling - no matter what we are feeling - is always appropriate because it is what you are truly feeling!
For example, if you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, you should not feel guilty. You only need to feel unhappy and realize that this means you are not focusing on what you want. When you accept this, then you have the capacity to create a positive solution for yourself. Apply guilt, and it keeps you locked into an unhappy situation and punishes you by telling yourself how wrong you are. The more you tell yourself how wrong you are, the more likely you will continue to pursue behaviors that make you feel wrong. In this example, perhaps this means you become unfaithful. Now you add more guilt. Now the situation has escalated to something worse; you still are telling yourself what you are doing is wrong; you still feel unhappy in your marriage; you still have no positive solution for change. This is the problem with guilt. It becomes a life sentence.
Here is another example. I know a lady whose mother expects her to go over to her house for dinner every Sunday night. This lady works full-time and has an active social life. She confessed to me that she doesn't always want to go spend time with her mother because she would like to relax and have time to herself on Sundays. She says she always goes because if she didn't she would feel guilty. Do you see what is happening here? She believes that her true feelings to have some alone time are inappropriate. If she would honor her feelings as valid, then she could come up with some viable solutions. She could have a candid talk with her mother. She could decide that Sunday nights with mom are a priority and choose to schedule mandatory alone time at another point in the week. But if she continues to go on her present course of guilt, she will continue to resent her mother and never be able to enjoy another Sunday night. Again, another life sentence...that is until her mother dies. And then she'll feel guilty for being happy her mother's dead! :)
Recognize your guilt and get rid of it. Then accept what you are truly feeling as appropriate and allow yourself to move forward to a solution. When you say no to guilt, you give yourself the key to your jail cell and you are free forever.
And that's my perspective...
The truth is most people do not understand what guilt really is. First of all, let us discuss what guilt is not. Guilt is not an emotion. Emotions have an important role in our lives - they tell us what kind of thoughts we have been thinking and where we are putting our focus. When we feel happy, content, passionate, joyful, thankful, etc. we then know that our thoughts are primarily positive and that we are focused on things that we want. This in turn brings us the positive emotions. When we feel bored, angry, doubtful, depressed, jealous, etc, we then know that we are focusing on the negative and need to switch our focus and our thoughts to more positive ones. In this way, our emotions provide us a vital service in quickly telling us what the bulk of our thoughts are about. Guilt does not do this.
Guilt is not an emotion; it is a belief. All of us were born with the capacity to feel emotions. We were not born with the capacity to feel guilt. Guilt is something that must be learned. It is something that must be taught. We learned to feel guilty when we did not want to share. We learned to feel guilty when we wanted to spend time alone instead of with our family. We learned to feel guilty when we were taught it was wrong to have sex before marriage but did anyway. I could go on and on. Babies never feel guilty for crying to get their needs met. Toddlers do not feel guilty about not wanting to hug and kiss Aunt Bertha good-bye. That is until they are taught it is wrong to feel that way. And that then brings me to the definition of what guilt really is.
Guilt is a punishment we apply to ourselves when we believe that what we are feeling is inappropriate. What we haven't learned as individuals (or perhaps the better way to say it is "What we have forgotten from childhood") is that what we are feeling - no matter what we are feeling - is always appropriate because it is what you are truly feeling!
For example, if you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, you should not feel guilty. You only need to feel unhappy and realize that this means you are not focusing on what you want. When you accept this, then you have the capacity to create a positive solution for yourself. Apply guilt, and it keeps you locked into an unhappy situation and punishes you by telling yourself how wrong you are. The more you tell yourself how wrong you are, the more likely you will continue to pursue behaviors that make you feel wrong. In this example, perhaps this means you become unfaithful. Now you add more guilt. Now the situation has escalated to something worse; you still are telling yourself what you are doing is wrong; you still feel unhappy in your marriage; you still have no positive solution for change. This is the problem with guilt. It becomes a life sentence.
Here is another example. I know a lady whose mother expects her to go over to her house for dinner every Sunday night. This lady works full-time and has an active social life. She confessed to me that she doesn't always want to go spend time with her mother because she would like to relax and have time to herself on Sundays. She says she always goes because if she didn't she would feel guilty. Do you see what is happening here? She believes that her true feelings to have some alone time are inappropriate. If she would honor her feelings as valid, then she could come up with some viable solutions. She could have a candid talk with her mother. She could decide that Sunday nights with mom are a priority and choose to schedule mandatory alone time at another point in the week. But if she continues to go on her present course of guilt, she will continue to resent her mother and never be able to enjoy another Sunday night. Again, another life sentence...that is until her mother dies. And then she'll feel guilty for being happy her mother's dead! :)
Recognize your guilt and get rid of it. Then accept what you are truly feeling as appropriate and allow yourself to move forward to a solution. When you say no to guilt, you give yourself the key to your jail cell and you are free forever.
And that's my perspective...
December 16, 2009
A Gift Worth Giving
Christmas is fast approaching. Yes, the season of giving is truly upon us. What are you giving this year? I am sure there are a lot of tangible items you can name, but what intangibles are you giving?
There are so many great intangible gifts. Some of my favourites are peace, love, happiness, and of course, my all time favourite – laughter. Now I know what you’re thinking, no one unwraps laughter from underneath the Christmas tree; no one shakes a box and exclaims “I hope there’s peace inside!” Yet, these are the most valuable gifts to be had.
So how do you do it? How do you give these gifts away? Easy. You give them to yourself. When you do everyone receives. For example, I was wandering around my house feeling very stressed and frustrated at the mess my two little darlings made and wondering how I was ever going to be ready for my inlaws coming at Christmas. I also was wondering when I was going to finish the last of the Christmas shopping, wrap the gifts without the children knowing, and do some personal shopping without being totally overwhelmed by crowds and line-ups. Then I took a moment and decided to give myself the gift of peace. I took a deep breath and realized the kids always mess up the house and it always manages to get neat again. I laughed at the thought of worrying about what my in-laws thought. They are always so grateful to have a homey place to stay. And as for personal shopping, who am I kidding? I love to shop for myself and as for Christmas shopping, I am essentially done with only one or two items to pick up. I am stressing because all those things seem much bigger than they really are and far more important.
Once I began to breathe again, my mood instantly changed. I had given myself the gift of peace and when I did, everyone received peace as well. No longer was I stomping about making snide comments under my breath. Instead, I was pleasant to be around. Trust me, my kids and my husband were both very grateful! And I felt a whole lot better. My stressing wasn’t doing anyone any good; it wasn’t changing anything; and it was only upsetting myself and my family.
So as you feel the pressures of the Christmas season build this year, take a moment to give yourself a gift. Whether it’s peace, laughter, gratitude, or relaxation, don’t hold back. Give it up freely. It doesn’t cost anything. You don’t have to wrap it. And everyone will want to know where you got it. Most importantly, you deserve it.
Merry Christmas!
And that’s my perspective….
There are so many great intangible gifts. Some of my favourites are peace, love, happiness, and of course, my all time favourite – laughter. Now I know what you’re thinking, no one unwraps laughter from underneath the Christmas tree; no one shakes a box and exclaims “I hope there’s peace inside!” Yet, these are the most valuable gifts to be had.
So how do you do it? How do you give these gifts away? Easy. You give them to yourself. When you do everyone receives. For example, I was wandering around my house feeling very stressed and frustrated at the mess my two little darlings made and wondering how I was ever going to be ready for my inlaws coming at Christmas. I also was wondering when I was going to finish the last of the Christmas shopping, wrap the gifts without the children knowing, and do some personal shopping without being totally overwhelmed by crowds and line-ups. Then I took a moment and decided to give myself the gift of peace. I took a deep breath and realized the kids always mess up the house and it always manages to get neat again. I laughed at the thought of worrying about what my in-laws thought. They are always so grateful to have a homey place to stay. And as for personal shopping, who am I kidding? I love to shop for myself and as for Christmas shopping, I am essentially done with only one or two items to pick up. I am stressing because all those things seem much bigger than they really are and far more important.
Once I began to breathe again, my mood instantly changed. I had given myself the gift of peace and when I did, everyone received peace as well. No longer was I stomping about making snide comments under my breath. Instead, I was pleasant to be around. Trust me, my kids and my husband were both very grateful! And I felt a whole lot better. My stressing wasn’t doing anyone any good; it wasn’t changing anything; and it was only upsetting myself and my family.
So as you feel the pressures of the Christmas season build this year, take a moment to give yourself a gift. Whether it’s peace, laughter, gratitude, or relaxation, don’t hold back. Give it up freely. It doesn’t cost anything. You don’t have to wrap it. And everyone will want to know where you got it. Most importantly, you deserve it.
Merry Christmas!
And that’s my perspective….
July 30, 2009
The Secret to Teamwork
We’ve all heard the clichés about how working as a team is more powerful than working alone; that no man is an island; that T-E-A-M stands for Together Everyone Achieves Miracles.
Perhaps, if you’re like me, you don’t really buy in to that rhetoric especially if you have had experiences where doing it yourself seems not only faster but gives you a better quality result. But this past week I had the opportunity to be on a team that was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Truly together we achieved miracles.
I was volunteering as a crew member for an Anthony Robbins event in Toronto – the same event I attended in March where after the first day you walk barefoot over hot coals. I was placed on what was called “The Fire Team” – the group of people who were to build the fire and prepare the site for 3000 participants to walk barefoot over hot coals in the dead of night.
The first thing we were told by the captains of the team was that normally they have 50 volunteers to get the job done (there were 24 of us) and normally they get one break for dinner, but because of our low numbers, that may not happen. (Please note that the day begins at 8am and ends in the wee hours of the morning.) We were also told that the site managers wanted the whole thing cleaned up that night because they had a group coming in that morning and didn’t want them to see a charred mess when they arrived. In other words, expect to work all day, all night, get no breaks and plan to be there until 3:00 a.m.
OK so be it. I came to volunteer and that is what I did. And so did everyone else. We began our work preparing a park to be safe for 3000 people walking around barefoot in the dark. This meant clearing every twig, rock, piece of glass or whatever from the ground by hand. We assembled 18 wheelbarrows from scratch to be used during the day and to hold the coals that participants would walk on. We then put up a fence that scaled the perimeter of the CN tower park, which is quite large, so that no one would come wandering through the park while people were about to walk on coals. We sodded a rocky hill that led down into the park to protect people’s feet. We swept the concrete and sidewalks leading from the building to the park to remove any pebbles, stones, and sharp objects. We then created 18 firewalk lanes with 2 layers of sod, laid out 18 water hoses to each lane, and of course built and maintained the fire from which we got the coals from – which was another complex process and done on a 12’x 36’ foundation area made of 5 layers of sod which we laid. The fire needed to be stoked and kept burning for at least 6 hours before the coals are ready. All done again by our small but mighty crew.
What was so amazing about our small but MIGHTY crew was that we had so much fun doing it all. At lunch time we were actually ahead of schedule and took a break. At dinner time, we were still ahead of schedule and got an unprecedented second break! We all stayed until the very end when the last coals and sod were cleaned from the site and we were formally dismissed at 12:45 am. Unbelievable. Our team worked like magic.
The next day we had a debrief meeting. The captains said normally they give out a prize for the best seasoned fire team member and the best rookie. Since they were out of country, the Canadian promoter did not provide prizes for the fire team. The captains said it was for the best because they wouldn’t have wanted to choose. Everyone was that good.
That night we began bugging the captains asking them who would have received the prizes if they had them. They threw it back at us asking, “Who would you choose?” We all sat in silence not wanting to name someone over another. I finally said, “The reason we were such an amazing team is because no one person stood out above the rest.” We all nodded in agreement.
So that’s the secret to teamwork: Every person sharing a common vision for a common result. We all knew up front what we needed to do, how long it would take, and we all agreed to stay until the end to see it through. I guess that’s also a common expectation. The communication regarding what to expect was excellent. The only surprises were good ones like “Go eat!” Even the unexpected 4 hours of rain couldn’t dampen our spirits. There was too much good built up to wash it away.
The minute one tries to outshine another, the team is broken. The second one tries to sluff off duties so another has to pick up the slack, the team is damaged. The moment one leaves because they’re done even when the job isn’t, the team ceases to exist. If you expect to get a break and don’t, morale lowers. It’s about vision, outcome, and meeting expectations. If you get all those, you have the ingredients for a miracle. It’s a simple recipe, you just need to remember to follow it.
And that’s my perspective…
Perhaps, if you’re like me, you don’t really buy in to that rhetoric especially if you have had experiences where doing it yourself seems not only faster but gives you a better quality result. But this past week I had the opportunity to be on a team that was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Truly together we achieved miracles.
I was volunteering as a crew member for an Anthony Robbins event in Toronto – the same event I attended in March where after the first day you walk barefoot over hot coals. I was placed on what was called “The Fire Team” – the group of people who were to build the fire and prepare the site for 3000 participants to walk barefoot over hot coals in the dead of night.
The first thing we were told by the captains of the team was that normally they have 50 volunteers to get the job done (there were 24 of us) and normally they get one break for dinner, but because of our low numbers, that may not happen. (Please note that the day begins at 8am and ends in the wee hours of the morning.) We were also told that the site managers wanted the whole thing cleaned up that night because they had a group coming in that morning and didn’t want them to see a charred mess when they arrived. In other words, expect to work all day, all night, get no breaks and plan to be there until 3:00 a.m.
OK so be it. I came to volunteer and that is what I did. And so did everyone else. We began our work preparing a park to be safe for 3000 people walking around barefoot in the dark. This meant clearing every twig, rock, piece of glass or whatever from the ground by hand. We assembled 18 wheelbarrows from scratch to be used during the day and to hold the coals that participants would walk on. We then put up a fence that scaled the perimeter of the CN tower park, which is quite large, so that no one would come wandering through the park while people were about to walk on coals. We sodded a rocky hill that led down into the park to protect people’s feet. We swept the concrete and sidewalks leading from the building to the park to remove any pebbles, stones, and sharp objects. We then created 18 firewalk lanes with 2 layers of sod, laid out 18 water hoses to each lane, and of course built and maintained the fire from which we got the coals from – which was another complex process and done on a 12’x 36’ foundation area made of 5 layers of sod which we laid. The fire needed to be stoked and kept burning for at least 6 hours before the coals are ready. All done again by our small but mighty crew.
What was so amazing about our small but MIGHTY crew was that we had so much fun doing it all. At lunch time we were actually ahead of schedule and took a break. At dinner time, we were still ahead of schedule and got an unprecedented second break! We all stayed until the very end when the last coals and sod were cleaned from the site and we were formally dismissed at 12:45 am. Unbelievable. Our team worked like magic.
The next day we had a debrief meeting. The captains said normally they give out a prize for the best seasoned fire team member and the best rookie. Since they were out of country, the Canadian promoter did not provide prizes for the fire team. The captains said it was for the best because they wouldn’t have wanted to choose. Everyone was that good.
That night we began bugging the captains asking them who would have received the prizes if they had them. They threw it back at us asking, “Who would you choose?” We all sat in silence not wanting to name someone over another. I finally said, “The reason we were such an amazing team is because no one person stood out above the rest.” We all nodded in agreement.
So that’s the secret to teamwork: Every person sharing a common vision for a common result. We all knew up front what we needed to do, how long it would take, and we all agreed to stay until the end to see it through. I guess that’s also a common expectation. The communication regarding what to expect was excellent. The only surprises were good ones like “Go eat!” Even the unexpected 4 hours of rain couldn’t dampen our spirits. There was too much good built up to wash it away.
The minute one tries to outshine another, the team is broken. The second one tries to sluff off duties so another has to pick up the slack, the team is damaged. The moment one leaves because they’re done even when the job isn’t, the team ceases to exist. If you expect to get a break and don’t, morale lowers. It’s about vision, outcome, and meeting expectations. If you get all those, you have the ingredients for a miracle. It’s a simple recipe, you just need to remember to follow it.
And that’s my perspective…
June 19, 2009
The Right Fight
Have you ever been so frustrated because you felt you were so right about something and no matter how right you were, it couldn’t or wouldn’t change the opinion of someone who was, in your opinion, so obviously wrong? Do you remember how every time you thought about how stupid or insensitive they were not to have seen or done things in a certain way, how you became more angry and agitated? Maybe it kept you up at night. Maybe it gave you headaches. Maybe it made you lose your appetite. But one thing I can guarantee it didn’t do is make you feel better.
This is a classic example of being smack dab in the middle of a right fight. And it is a recipe for being miserable. Your mind will fight valiantly giving you reason after reason why you are right and therefore, why you should remain angry or resentful or hurt. But the truth is the only person you are hurting is yourself.
It takes a lot of courage to walk away from the right fight. Most people see it as defeat – admitting they are wrong. But the truth is each and every person is entitled to their own version of the truth. What is right in your eyes may not be right for another. What may be wrong in your eyes may be perfectly correct for someone else. What’s most important is to honor your right to your opinion and at the same time honor someone else’s right to theirs.
I recently experienced the effects of a right fight. The more I kept telling myself of the injustices that were put upon me, the more absolutely horrible I felt. I was irritable, tearful, angry, and resentful. I felt like alienating myself from the world. My drive to do and be helpful diminished. I knew that this could not go on without me sliding into a deep depression, so I kept asking myself, “How can I heal this?” “How can I forgive this?”
And then I got the answer. “Move on. Forgive. And know you have choices. Make one and be at peace with it. If your choice is not bringing you peace, make another choice.” I realized it isn’t failure to forgive others for something that you do not agree with, but it is a huge failure to allow yourself to be miserable over someone else’s opinion. Similarly, it is not success to be able to make someone admit you are right; but it is success to own what is right for you without denying others what is right for them.
In short, life is meant to be lived happily. And while you can tell yourself how right you are that someone screwed you over or that something is to blame for what is not right in your life, only you can choose how you feel. Choose to feel good. Choose to feel glad. But when you hang onto being right to prove someone else is wrong, know you are choosing to feel miserable.
And that’s my perspective...
This is a classic example of being smack dab in the middle of a right fight. And it is a recipe for being miserable. Your mind will fight valiantly giving you reason after reason why you are right and therefore, why you should remain angry or resentful or hurt. But the truth is the only person you are hurting is yourself.
It takes a lot of courage to walk away from the right fight. Most people see it as defeat – admitting they are wrong. But the truth is each and every person is entitled to their own version of the truth. What is right in your eyes may not be right for another. What may be wrong in your eyes may be perfectly correct for someone else. What’s most important is to honor your right to your opinion and at the same time honor someone else’s right to theirs.
I recently experienced the effects of a right fight. The more I kept telling myself of the injustices that were put upon me, the more absolutely horrible I felt. I was irritable, tearful, angry, and resentful. I felt like alienating myself from the world. My drive to do and be helpful diminished. I knew that this could not go on without me sliding into a deep depression, so I kept asking myself, “How can I heal this?” “How can I forgive this?”
And then I got the answer. “Move on. Forgive. And know you have choices. Make one and be at peace with it. If your choice is not bringing you peace, make another choice.” I realized it isn’t failure to forgive others for something that you do not agree with, but it is a huge failure to allow yourself to be miserable over someone else’s opinion. Similarly, it is not success to be able to make someone admit you are right; but it is success to own what is right for you without denying others what is right for them.
In short, life is meant to be lived happily. And while you can tell yourself how right you are that someone screwed you over or that something is to blame for what is not right in your life, only you can choose how you feel. Choose to feel good. Choose to feel glad. But when you hang onto being right to prove someone else is wrong, know you are choosing to feel miserable.
And that’s my perspective...
May 21, 2009
Doing the Impossible
This year has been a whirlwind of accomplishments and discoveries. And with each event I have been able to take in a number of life lessons. I feel very blessed to have been given these lessons, so I thought I would share them with you.
It all began with me making a list of goals for 2009 in January. On that list, I had set a goal to be paid for my speaking. I had no idea how this was to happen. One day shortly after that, I had the brilliant idea to google “Call for Presentations- Saskatoon”. From that search, I found that the Awasis organization was having a conference at the end of April and asking for presenters to speak on matters related to education or wellness. Bingo! I put in my proposal, it was accepted, and I received my first pay cheque for my presentation: Mindfulness- The Path to Wellness on May 1st.
Then, in February, I became aware of an opportunity to go to an Anthony Robbins event where I would have the chance to walk barefoot over hot coals. I have to admit, this really intrigued me. So I went even though I had no idea if I would actually be able to do the walk. Not only did I walk on fire, but it was one of the easiest things I have ever done. Piece of cake. Hmmm.
At the Tony Robbins event I heard about the health benefits of cleansing and fasting. So I did my research and on April 20th I began the Master Cleanse. For those who are unfamiliar, the Master Cleanse basically consists of consuming nothing other than water and a drink made of fresh, organic lemon juice, pure water, pure maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. This concoction reportedly is chalk full of vitamins and nutrients so it feeds your cells as your body is able to clear out toxins since it doesn’t need to waste energy on digestion. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to follow through with this fast, but I gave it a try and I completed 16 full days of cleansing in this manner. It actually was relatively easy and I was never hungry. And, I am so much more healthy, vibrant, and energetic for having done it.
So what are lessons in all of this?
First, I did what I thought was the impossible three times over in a matter of a few short months. Never did I think I could do any of these things, but when I gave it a try, they were so easy. What else have I been telling myself is impossible that in actuality is relatively easy?
Next, I realized the reason why I hadn’t tried these things (or similar endeavors) in the past is because I was too afraid of failing. The difference this time was that I allowed that option to exist so I didn’t fight against it. I told myself if the Awasis organization rejected my proposal it wasn’t meant to be. I said if I can’t walk on coals well then so be it. And, if I only do one day on the fast, well that’s better than nothing. I allowed myself to be ok with failure if that was to be the outcome but always kept my focus on the success. What a difference that made. It took all the pressure off me, and allowed me to live the experience without worry about the outcome.
Lastly, and most importantly, I learned that when you live in the moment, anything is possible and you actually enjoy the experience of the moment. It is when we live in the past or the future that things seem impossible. Worry is always a fear of the future. “I worry this will happen.” In the moment, there is no worry of what is to come. Disappointment is a fear of the past. “It will just be like before.” In the moment, there is no disappointment. Allowing the moment to be and allowing yourself to be in it, without placing expectation on it or comparing it to something else, is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
So the next time an idea or opportunity comes your way, say “yes” this time, and allow whatever is to come to come. Just like Jim Carrey in the movie “Yes Man”, once you say “yes” to life, things start to happen. Even the impossible becomes possible. The difficult becomes easy. The magnificent becomes you.
And that’s my perspective…
April 21, 2009
What rules you?
Do you consider yourself a rule-follower or a rule-breaker? Whatever the answer, one thing that you may not be aware of is that every person has their own set of rules they follow. These rules are important to know because they drive your every action.
Yep, every one follows a set of rules. You have rules for love, success, relationships, you name it. So if there is an area of your life that isn’t working so well, you need to look at your rules and redefine them.
For example, some time ago I looked at my rules for success. I asked myself, “What has to happen in order for me to feel successful?” My answers surprised me. I had to make a lot more money than I am now. I had to be acknowledged as successful by others, primarily by those in authority. I had to be given recognition (like awards, etc.). And, I had to be given a position of authority.
Pardon the expression, but what a load of crap! Yet, these were the rules I was living under. Picked up from my childhood and other experiences, this is the definition I had unconsciously given to success. Notice how my rules were really leaving me with no control. Under these rules, I was dependent on others actions and reactions to me to determine my level of success. I gave myself no say in the matter.
I quickly defined a new set of rules for success – a set of rules where I was in control of the outcome. Now, to me, success means helping another. Success means leaving someone happier and more content than when I first met them. Success is when I learn something new or do something better than I used to. Success is doing something I thought I couldn’t do. Success is giving. And success is continuing to love someone even when they do something I don’t love.
I like these rules a whole lot more because not only am I in control of my success, but I have a whole lot more capacity to feel successful every day. And that’s awesome.
So ask yourself, what has to happen for you to feel successful? What has to happen for you to feel loved? What has to happen for you to be in a passionate relationship? What has to happen for you to be happy? You may be surprised by your answers. You may think others are to blame for things not going well in your life, but it’s only because you set up your rules that way. Know your rules; then change your rules. It will change your life.
And that’s my perspective…
April 13, 2009
Do you have a life list?
Have you ever done the exercise where you have written down all your goals of what you would like to achieve before you die? If you have, have you then looked over your list and thought, “Holy crap. How and when am I ever going to do any of this?”
Such a task is useful to make you think of what you desire, but the after-effect of feeling overwhelmed and perhaps inadequate is less than helpful. There you are with your big long ‘to do’ list and you haven’t got a clue where to start. With a list like this, everything can seemingly appear unattainable. Recently, I came across a great way to make your seemingly unattainable goals seem quite realistic; so I thought I’d share. I got this from Jeanette Maw (goodvibecoach.com) who got it from Mike Dooley (tut.com).
First you are to number a page from say 1 to 30 (or whatever the page will take- the actual number is not important.) Beside the odd numbers, write down goals from the past that you have already accomplished. When you are finished, fill in the even numbers with the goals you wish to achieve. It’s amazing how intermingling current goals with ones already completed gives you a whole new perspective on what is possible. And it completely eliminates a daunting to do list since you can immediately cross off half the items as already done! Sweet.
To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, I’ll share a portion of my list with you:
1. Sail around the world on at tall ship.
2. Do pilates/yoga regularly.
3. Go on a safari in
4. Write a book.
5. Walk on fire.
6. Live on acreage with a short commute to the city.
7. Meet a celebrity.
8. Travel through
Do you see how all of a sudden, my current goals (even numbers) seem fairly small and reachable compared to what I have already done (odd numbers)?
When we are making goals they often seem like dreams that are out of reach because they are an unknown. We haven’t done them yet so it is difficult to fathom their existence. But when you couple that with all the things you have already achieved, they become closer in reach. You begin to remember that the things you have done were perhaps once pie in the sky dreams as well. And now that you’ve done them, you think, “I’ve done that. No big deal.” So the stuff you haven’t done becomes, “I can do that. No big deal.”
So this fire-walking world traveler is off to sign up for pilates…maybe. Well, at least I know I can do it! On second thought, I think I’ll google Italian sites instead!
And that’s my perspective…
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