Christmas is upon us – the season of giving and unconditional love. This made me ask the question, “Why do we have a season for this? Does this mean Spring, Summer, and Autumn are the seasons for taking and conditional love?” I realized that my answer may not be too far off the mark.
What is unconditional love? It sounds wonderful, but how often do we experience it? In essence, I suppose unconditional love is to send love to someone or something without expecting anything in return. This also, I suppose, would define unconditional giving.
I wondered how much of my love was conditional? Quite a lot, once I began to think about it. I love my husband as long as he treats me with respect, doesn’t sleep with others, bathes, etc. Is this really love? It is – it’s just conditional. I love my Dyson vacuum cleaner as long as it works. Again, conditions. No wonder we worry so much about losing love. We know that the conditions we place on it are not in our control and can change in a second.
As I always say, you will receive an answer for every question you ask, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received an answer to my “What is unconditional love?” question. It went something like this:
"Imagine you find a baby bird that’s cold, hungry, and obviously abandoned. It’s too young to fly. Would you attempt to feed it? Give it warmth? Give it love?"
“Yes”, I answered.
"Would you expect that bird to give you something back in return, or would you still love that bird if it became confident and healthy enough to fly away on its own without even giving you a second glance?" I understood that I would still love that bird and still choose to give it love because it needed love, and I would expect nothing in return.
My answer continued: "This is no different with people. All people need love. The nice and especially the nasty need love. So if you wish to love unconditionally, the question you must ask yourself when your husband annoys you, or when a person on the street behaves in a way you find offensive, or when a co-worker says a nasty word to you is “Is your heart big enough to love this person because they need love, even if they won’t love you back?” And when you say yes, in so doing, you give love not only to the person who needs it, but also to yourself, which is why giving unconditionally feels so very good."
And I realized that if we, with our big hearts, were to allow ourselves to love others because they needed love, even if they won’t love us back, instead of judging them for their behavior, then the world would be filled with more loving, kinder, happier people. And there wouldn’t be any need for taking, because we would be giving to ourselves all the while, filled the joy of unconditional love. To give is to receive. I also realized that by withholding love from others, we, in turn, withhold it from ourselves. And there is no joy in that. Again, to give is to receive.
This Christmas may you be filled with the joy of giving and unconditional love. It is a priceless gift that can never be broken, defective, stolen, lost, or even run out of batteries. But beware, the moment you give unconditionally, you may find that your heart grows 3 sizes that day.
I send my love and the happiest Christmas blessings to you all… even if you don’t like this article. :)
And that’s my perspective…
December 2, 2010
July 5, 2010
The Power of Focus
Focus, or more specifically, what we put our focus on, is the most important component of creating what we want. The problem is most people do not focus upon what their focus is, and then are surprised when something unwanted shows up. If they had only focused upon where they were focusing, they surely would have seen that indeed they were focusing on the very thing they did not want. Confused?
Simply put, your reality, as you experience it, is created by your focus. You will see what you put focus upon. Ever wonder why two people can be in the same place at the same time having the same experience, and one of those people will think the experience was wonderful and the other one think it was dreadful? Because one is focusing on the good in the situation and the other is focusing on just the opposite.
For me, the concept of the power of focus and how it shapes our reality was hit home way back in 2000. I had just purchased my first brand new car – a beautiful cherry red Mazda 626. I was so excited about it. I never really paid much attention to Mazda vehicles before, but when I test drove this car, I fell in love. I also liked the idea that I hadn’t seen too many on the road, thus making my vehicle somewhat unique – I liked that very much.
Guess what happened next. I took my unique Mazda 626 out on the road and began to see them everywhere. At every intersection there seemed to be another driver enjoying the pleasure of a 626. Where did they all come from? Did the Mazda dealership all of a sudden sell hundreds of this make and model at the same time I bought mine? No. We all know the truth. They were there all time. I just wasn’t focused on them, so I never noticed.
Here is another example. After I did my first presentation at an international conference, I received, via email, the evaluations that people wrote about my session. The conference organizers gave you verbatim what people wrote on their evaluation forms. There were 39 evaluations filled out. 38 of the comments were glowing – absolutely incredible. And there was one comment that said and I quote, “I didn’t much appreciate being preached at. She did seem passionate about her subject though.”
At first, I was quite upset by this comment. I felt horrible someone mistook my enthusiasm as preaching. I began to justify in my mind why this person was wrong and, of course, a complete idiot. And then I stopped myself, and realized I was putting all my focus on one negative comment, when 38 others were just absolutely thrilled with my presentation. I shifted my focus and immediately shifted my reality. I went from feeling angry and upset to thankful and joyful in a matter of seconds. That’s the power of focus.
Where are you putting your focus? Is it on what you want? Do you foresee a happy ending? Or are you sure to expect something to go wrong? Are you certain that all will work itself out? Or are you most often worried it won’t come together? Pay attention. You may be surprised to find that a string of happy moments are just sitting at every intersection waiting to be noticed.
And that’s my perspective…
Simply put, your reality, as you experience it, is created by your focus. You will see what you put focus upon. Ever wonder why two people can be in the same place at the same time having the same experience, and one of those people will think the experience was wonderful and the other one think it was dreadful? Because one is focusing on the good in the situation and the other is focusing on just the opposite.
For me, the concept of the power of focus and how it shapes our reality was hit home way back in 2000. I had just purchased my first brand new car – a beautiful cherry red Mazda 626. I was so excited about it. I never really paid much attention to Mazda vehicles before, but when I test drove this car, I fell in love. I also liked the idea that I hadn’t seen too many on the road, thus making my vehicle somewhat unique – I liked that very much.
Guess what happened next. I took my unique Mazda 626 out on the road and began to see them everywhere. At every intersection there seemed to be another driver enjoying the pleasure of a 626. Where did they all come from? Did the Mazda dealership all of a sudden sell hundreds of this make and model at the same time I bought mine? No. We all know the truth. They were there all time. I just wasn’t focused on them, so I never noticed.
Here is another example. After I did my first presentation at an international conference, I received, via email, the evaluations that people wrote about my session. The conference organizers gave you verbatim what people wrote on their evaluation forms. There were 39 evaluations filled out. 38 of the comments were glowing – absolutely incredible. And there was one comment that said and I quote, “I didn’t much appreciate being preached at. She did seem passionate about her subject though.”
At first, I was quite upset by this comment. I felt horrible someone mistook my enthusiasm as preaching. I began to justify in my mind why this person was wrong and, of course, a complete idiot. And then I stopped myself, and realized I was putting all my focus on one negative comment, when 38 others were just absolutely thrilled with my presentation. I shifted my focus and immediately shifted my reality. I went from feeling angry and upset to thankful and joyful in a matter of seconds. That’s the power of focus.
Where are you putting your focus? Is it on what you want? Do you foresee a happy ending? Or are you sure to expect something to go wrong? Are you certain that all will work itself out? Or are you most often worried it won’t come together? Pay attention. You may be surprised to find that a string of happy moments are just sitting at every intersection waiting to be noticed.
And that’s my perspective…
March 17, 2010
Guilt - A Life Sentence
I see so many people in my life wrought with guilt - guilt over not doing the right thing, guilt for not saying the right thing, guilt for not being the right thing. Who's to say what's the right thing anyway?
The truth is most people do not understand what guilt really is. First of all, let us discuss what guilt is not. Guilt is not an emotion. Emotions have an important role in our lives - they tell us what kind of thoughts we have been thinking and where we are putting our focus. When we feel happy, content, passionate, joyful, thankful, etc. we then know that our thoughts are primarily positive and that we are focused on things that we want. This in turn brings us the positive emotions. When we feel bored, angry, doubtful, depressed, jealous, etc, we then know that we are focusing on the negative and need to switch our focus and our thoughts to more positive ones. In this way, our emotions provide us a vital service in quickly telling us what the bulk of our thoughts are about. Guilt does not do this.
Guilt is not an emotion; it is a belief. All of us were born with the capacity to feel emotions. We were not born with the capacity to feel guilt. Guilt is something that must be learned. It is something that must be taught. We learned to feel guilty when we did not want to share. We learned to feel guilty when we wanted to spend time alone instead of with our family. We learned to feel guilty when we were taught it was wrong to have sex before marriage but did anyway. I could go on and on. Babies never feel guilty for crying to get their needs met. Toddlers do not feel guilty about not wanting to hug and kiss Aunt Bertha good-bye. That is until they are taught it is wrong to feel that way. And that then brings me to the definition of what guilt really is.
Guilt is a punishment we apply to ourselves when we believe that what we are feeling is inappropriate. What we haven't learned as individuals (or perhaps the better way to say it is "What we have forgotten from childhood") is that what we are feeling - no matter what we are feeling - is always appropriate because it is what you are truly feeling!
For example, if you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, you should not feel guilty. You only need to feel unhappy and realize that this means you are not focusing on what you want. When you accept this, then you have the capacity to create a positive solution for yourself. Apply guilt, and it keeps you locked into an unhappy situation and punishes you by telling yourself how wrong you are. The more you tell yourself how wrong you are, the more likely you will continue to pursue behaviors that make you feel wrong. In this example, perhaps this means you become unfaithful. Now you add more guilt. Now the situation has escalated to something worse; you still are telling yourself what you are doing is wrong; you still feel unhappy in your marriage; you still have no positive solution for change. This is the problem with guilt. It becomes a life sentence.
Here is another example. I know a lady whose mother expects her to go over to her house for dinner every Sunday night. This lady works full-time and has an active social life. She confessed to me that she doesn't always want to go spend time with her mother because she would like to relax and have time to herself on Sundays. She says she always goes because if she didn't she would feel guilty. Do you see what is happening here? She believes that her true feelings to have some alone time are inappropriate. If she would honor her feelings as valid, then she could come up with some viable solutions. She could have a candid talk with her mother. She could decide that Sunday nights with mom are a priority and choose to schedule mandatory alone time at another point in the week. But if she continues to go on her present course of guilt, she will continue to resent her mother and never be able to enjoy another Sunday night. Again, another life sentence...that is until her mother dies. And then she'll feel guilty for being happy her mother's dead! :)
Recognize your guilt and get rid of it. Then accept what you are truly feeling as appropriate and allow yourself to move forward to a solution. When you say no to guilt, you give yourself the key to your jail cell and you are free forever.
And that's my perspective...
The truth is most people do not understand what guilt really is. First of all, let us discuss what guilt is not. Guilt is not an emotion. Emotions have an important role in our lives - they tell us what kind of thoughts we have been thinking and where we are putting our focus. When we feel happy, content, passionate, joyful, thankful, etc. we then know that our thoughts are primarily positive and that we are focused on things that we want. This in turn brings us the positive emotions. When we feel bored, angry, doubtful, depressed, jealous, etc, we then know that we are focusing on the negative and need to switch our focus and our thoughts to more positive ones. In this way, our emotions provide us a vital service in quickly telling us what the bulk of our thoughts are about. Guilt does not do this.
Guilt is not an emotion; it is a belief. All of us were born with the capacity to feel emotions. We were not born with the capacity to feel guilt. Guilt is something that must be learned. It is something that must be taught. We learned to feel guilty when we did not want to share. We learned to feel guilty when we wanted to spend time alone instead of with our family. We learned to feel guilty when we were taught it was wrong to have sex before marriage but did anyway. I could go on and on. Babies never feel guilty for crying to get their needs met. Toddlers do not feel guilty about not wanting to hug and kiss Aunt Bertha good-bye. That is until they are taught it is wrong to feel that way. And that then brings me to the definition of what guilt really is.
Guilt is a punishment we apply to ourselves when we believe that what we are feeling is inappropriate. What we haven't learned as individuals (or perhaps the better way to say it is "What we have forgotten from childhood") is that what we are feeling - no matter what we are feeling - is always appropriate because it is what you are truly feeling!
For example, if you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, you should not feel guilty. You only need to feel unhappy and realize that this means you are not focusing on what you want. When you accept this, then you have the capacity to create a positive solution for yourself. Apply guilt, and it keeps you locked into an unhappy situation and punishes you by telling yourself how wrong you are. The more you tell yourself how wrong you are, the more likely you will continue to pursue behaviors that make you feel wrong. In this example, perhaps this means you become unfaithful. Now you add more guilt. Now the situation has escalated to something worse; you still are telling yourself what you are doing is wrong; you still feel unhappy in your marriage; you still have no positive solution for change. This is the problem with guilt. It becomes a life sentence.
Here is another example. I know a lady whose mother expects her to go over to her house for dinner every Sunday night. This lady works full-time and has an active social life. She confessed to me that she doesn't always want to go spend time with her mother because she would like to relax and have time to herself on Sundays. She says she always goes because if she didn't she would feel guilty. Do you see what is happening here? She believes that her true feelings to have some alone time are inappropriate. If she would honor her feelings as valid, then she could come up with some viable solutions. She could have a candid talk with her mother. She could decide that Sunday nights with mom are a priority and choose to schedule mandatory alone time at another point in the week. But if she continues to go on her present course of guilt, she will continue to resent her mother and never be able to enjoy another Sunday night. Again, another life sentence...that is until her mother dies. And then she'll feel guilty for being happy her mother's dead! :)
Recognize your guilt and get rid of it. Then accept what you are truly feeling as appropriate and allow yourself to move forward to a solution. When you say no to guilt, you give yourself the key to your jail cell and you are free forever.
And that's my perspective...
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