The Season of Giving

Yes the Christmas season is upon us – the season of giving. And sometimes all this giving feels more like taking – somebody forcing you to give which in effect takes away from you. At the very least, this feeling takes all the joy out of the giving experience.

I remember one Christmas well before I was married, I had been dating a fellow for about a month. The last two weeks before Christmas he had to go on the road for work. He was an avid skier and I was a stained glass artisan. So while he was away I made him a 3-dimensional stained glass angel on skis and called it his guardian ski angel. On Christmas Eve when he returned, I handed him my gift. I could tell he was surprised. I also could tell he loved the gift and knew the thought and time I took to create it. The look on his face was gift enough for me. I felt good.

Knowing he had been on the road without any time for Christmas shopping, I was expecting nothing in return. Basking in my good feeling I barely noticed him walk to another room where his suitcase laid open, only to return with a black piece of material in his hand and an embarrassed comment about how he didn’t have time to wrap it. I happily took the black material from his hand and unfolded it to find a T-shirt he bought at some small town oyster bar and pub. It had a picture of a cartoon-like oyster on it saying, and I quote, “Shuck me! Suck me! Eat me raw!” Needless to say, I was in shock.

I literally did not know what to say, but inside, my mind had plenty to say like: “You picked this out for me!?” “This made you think of me!?” “What the hell were you thinking?” Outwardly I managed a confused thank you followed by, “Should I wear it to your parents’ for Christmas?” This only made things worse.

You see it took me awhile to realize he didn’t actually buy this shirt for me. He probably was planning on giving it to his brother. But I had handed him something nice and he thought he needed to give me something back and it was all he had. That’s a nasty belief system at work. Over the next few months, I had ample opportunity to observe that he indeed held the belief system that you can’t give without expecting something in return or perhaps it was no one gives anything without expecting something in return. Either way, it totally took the joy out of what could have been a really enjoyable experience.

And don't think I am blameless in this situation. I too had placed strings on what was appropriate for him to give me. I had attached strings that said the amount I like his gift is equal to the amount he likes me. Had I not done that, I would have laughed and not cared about the T-shirt.

This giving, the giving that feels forced, is not true giving. True giving is giving freely from your heart and it feels great. It is unconditional. It doesn’t take but gives back. The other kind of giving is from your head (aka your ego) and it never feels good. The ego attaches strings to your gift giving. The ego convinces you that must give if someone gives to you or that you are losing something because of your giving or that you must give in order for you to receive anything in return. Do you see how those strings bind and rob us of the joy true giving brings?

So this Christmas season, give with thoughtful abandon and expect nothing in return. Receive with gratitude and know a gift is a gift and not an IOU. It will be the best Christmas you ever had. Guaranteed. And if someone happens to give you an obscene t-shirt that you would be embarrassed to wear even alone to bed, smile and be thankful for the laughter and great story it will bring for years to come!

And that’s my perspective….