Guilt - A Life Sentence

I see so many people in my life wrought with guilt - guilt over not doing the right thing, guilt for not saying the right thing, guilt for not being the right thing. Who's to say what's the right thing anyway?

The truth is most people do not understand what guilt really is. First of all, let us discuss what guilt is not. Guilt is not an emotion. Emotions have an important role in our lives - they tell us what kind of thoughts we have been thinking and where we are putting our focus. When we feel happy, content, passionate, joyful, thankful, etc. we then know that our thoughts are primarily positive and that we are focused on things that we want. This in turn brings us the positive emotions. When we feel bored, angry, doubtful, depressed, jealous, etc, we then know that we are focusing on the negative and need to switch our focus and our thoughts to more positive ones. In this way, our emotions provide us a vital service in quickly telling us what the bulk of our thoughts are about. Guilt does not do this.

Guilt is not an emotion; it is a belief. All of us were born with the capacity to feel emotions. We were not born with the capacity to feel guilt. Guilt is something that must be learned. It is something that must be taught. We learned to feel guilty when we did not want to share. We learned to feel guilty when we wanted to spend time alone instead of with our family. We learned to feel guilty when we were taught it was wrong to have sex before marriage but did anyway. I could go on and on. Babies never feel guilty for crying to get their needs met. Toddlers do not feel guilty about not wanting to hug and kiss Aunt Bertha good-bye. That is until they are taught it is wrong to feel that way. And that then brings me to the definition of what guilt really is.

Guilt is a punishment we apply to ourselves when we believe that what we are feeling is inappropriate. What we haven't learned as individuals (or perhaps the better way to say it is "What we have forgotten from childhood") is that what we are feeling - no matter what we are feeling - is always appropriate because it is what you are truly feeling!

For example, if you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, you should not feel guilty. You only need to feel unhappy and realize that this means you are not focusing on what you want. When you accept this, then you have the capacity to create a positive solution for yourself. Apply guilt, and it keeps you locked into an unhappy situation and punishes you by telling yourself how wrong you are. The more you tell yourself how wrong you are, the more likely you will continue to pursue behaviors that make you feel wrong. In this example, perhaps this means you become unfaithful. Now you add more guilt. Now the situation has escalated to something worse; you still are telling yourself what you are doing is wrong; you still feel unhappy in your marriage; you still have no positive solution for change. This is the problem with guilt. It becomes a life sentence.

Here is another example. I know a lady whose mother expects her to go over to her house for dinner every Sunday night. This lady works full-time and has an active social life. She confessed to me that she doesn't always want to go spend time with her mother because she would like to relax and have time to herself on Sundays. She says she always goes because if she didn't she would feel guilty. Do you see what is happening here? She believes that her true feelings to have some alone time are inappropriate. If she would honor her feelings as valid, then she could come up with some viable solutions. She could have a candid talk with her mother. She could decide that Sunday nights with mom are a priority and choose to schedule mandatory alone time at another point in the week. But if she continues to go on her present course of guilt, she will continue to resent her mother and never be able to enjoy another Sunday night. Again, another life sentence...that is until her mother dies. And then she'll feel guilty for being happy her mother's dead! :)

Recognize your guilt and get rid of it. Then accept what you are truly feeling as appropriate and allow yourself to move forward to a solution. When you say no to guilt, you give yourself the key to your jail cell and you are free forever.

And that's my perspective...